After the blood
by Stossle
Summary: I scrub my nails until my cuticles bleed. I wonder if her blood is now inside me, mixing with mine. "My brain in your body." she said "One complete person." I rinse my hands quickly and dry them with the towel.  Ianto POV, directly after Cyberwoman.
1. Chapter 1

**After the blood**

_**Timeline:**__ Just after the end of Cyberwoman._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own Torchwood or any of its characters. Just borrow them occasionally to have a little play._

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Blood drips down the drain. Drip, drip, drip. With every drip she's further from me. Every drip less of her left, if there was anything left anyway. She's cold and heavy and sticky with blood. There's nothing left. It's my fault. All my fault.

Jack's left, I saw him go. A look of disgust and he just turned and left. It's his fault. He's the monster. No I'm the monster. Dr Tanizaki, Annie the pizza girl, it's my fault. I'm rocking back and forth, like a child. I'm not making a sound. Through my tears all I see is a kaleidoscope of metal and blood. Silver and red. Silver and red. It's my fault. It's my fault.

I feel tugging. He came back. He'll forgive me. But it's not him. I turn my head and I'm surprised.

It's Owen. Of all of them, I didn't expect Owen.

"Come on mate, get up." he says. His voice is soft. I didn't expect that. I expected a shot in the head. Shot in the head and I'm dead. Shot in the head and I'm dead.

"Come on." he says again. I have no strength to resist, so I follow him. I leave her. She's gone anyhow.

He leads me up the stairs and to the garage. He pushes me gently into the seat of his car and fastens the belt. It this it? Is he going to kill me? Take me somewhere dark and kill me. There's no point.

"I'm dead already." I say. He doesn't reply. Just starts the engine and we go. I want to argue but I can't seem to speak.

I watch the street lights blur through my vision. I'm crying again. It feels like I've been crying forever. Crying all this time, just sometimes my body didn't know it and my eyes stayed dry.

But there was no point. She's gone anyhow. There was no point. All that pain, all that blood. For more pain and more blood. And death. A metal eye stares at me.

"You did this. It's your fault. You killed me." he says as blood drips from his mouth. "It's your fault."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I say.

"I did this for you." he says with her voice. "I did this so we can be together. One complete person."

Lights blur in my vision and I feel my heart pounding in my chest.

"It's ok mate. Calm down. We're here. Are you ok to get up?" Owen is leaning over me. We aren't moving any more.

I want to ask him if he is going to kill me, but it would be bad form. He has every right.

He unfastens my belt and helps me out of the car. My head feels foggy. Full of fog. Fog filled. But I've been here before in a dream. In a dream. But not in a dream. My place. It's my place and he is leading me up the stairs and opening the door.

"Homely" he says. I look around. It isn't. One room, a fridge, a chair, a bed, a pretence. "You live here? Surely Jack pays you more than this?"

"I don't come here much." I say. I think of my bunk bed. I think of that room with its beeps and hisses and blood. I won't be sleeping there anymore. She'll be sleeping now. She'll be sleeping forever.

I don't know what to do now I'm here. I just stand near the door and watch Owen poking around my stuff. There isn't much. He pulls out a grey tracksuit from the wardrobe. It's thin with age and has stains down the front. Lisa wanted me to throw it away. I wouldn't. I'd wear it on weekends, just so she would make that face. Just so that she would try and take it off me.

"Come on." he says and leads me to the bathroom. There is hardly enough room for one let alone two. The floor is concrete like her room. I close my eyes and I can see the blood pooling in the cracks. It will never come out. It will fade to brown but it will always be there. She'll be part of Torchwood forever.

"Ianto, you've got to help me. I can't do this on my own." I blink and see Owen close up against me. I feel his hot air on my face. He's trying to take off my clothes. Steam fills the room. Moist in my nostrils. The shower is running. I push him away slightly and remove my clothes. I can still do that.

The hiss of the shower makes me think of the hiss of the ventilator. Day and night, breathing in and breathing out. I was so scared it would stop.

"Ianto. Let go." What does he want now? I look down and see him tugging at my hand. It's holding one of my shirt buttons. Flipping it in and out of the buttonhole. Turns out I can't undress myself. He helps me take off the rest of my clothes. Like a child.

When I was young mum used to lock me in the bathroom when I was bad. I used to play toothbrush families. When mum came to get me out, I would be sitting on the floor with the tooth brushes, seeing what adventures they would get up to. Mum would be so angry when I didn't want to leave. I told Lisa. She laughed.

The hot water brings me back. Pellets of water shoot into my back and I see the water turn to red as it washes over me. The red swirls down my legs and washes down the drain. The water is soon clear.

"No." I'm screaming over and over again and then I feel my legs give beneath me and I'm falling. Hands against my wet skin try to break my fall, but I feel a sharp pain as my coccyx hits the ground and my legs hit the sides of the cubicle. Pain shocks me and I stop screaming. I look up at Owen's startled face. "She's gone, isn't she?" I ask but I know the answer.

"I'm sorry mate." he says and I see understanding in his eyes. How can he understand? But he does.

I'm crying again. Big hiccoughing sobs. Crying until my insides are out and my salty tears wash down the drain with her blood.

It seems like a long time.

Cold air hits my naked skin. The water has stopped.

Owen helps me up and into the other room. I can pull on the tracksuit but I need to lean on him. It's good to feel the warmth of his shoulder under my hand.

He sits me down on the bed. I feel a cold chill on my chest as he listens to my heart. I wonder if it's still beating. He shines a light into each eye.

"Ok, get into bed now." he says. He pulls the blankets up over me. They feel warm. I snuggle into their warmth and sniff. I wonder if I can smell Lisa. But then I remember. She's never been here. All I can smell is wool.

Owen's turned on my bed side light and turned off the big light. It feels cosy. I feel my eyes start to droop.

A creak of the floorboards and my eyes fly open with a start.

Owen has his hand on the door.

"Don't go." I say. I sound pathetic.

His lips purse slightly and he nods. "I won't." he says. He sits down on my chair and picks up a magazine.

I'm looking at him. I'm scared he will leave as soon as I close my eyes. I don't know what will come when I'm alone.

"It's ok Ianto. You can sleep now. I'm not going anywhere. You can sleep now." His voice is soft like a rocking horse. Light pricks through my eyelids from the lamp and I can hear his breath and the occasional flick of a page. I stop trying to fight it and I feel swirling sleep take me.

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_Will swap kisses for reviews. I'm easy._


	2. Chapter 2

**After the blood – ch2**

I wake up screaming. Owen puts a firm hand on my shoulder. I can feel myself shaking under his hand. He gives me a tablet.

My eyes open. The bed is warm. Owen is asleep on my chair. He looks uncomfortable. I feel fuzzy. Something is pushing at my memory. Like a forgotten dream. Then I remember, not a dream, a nightmare. I push my fist into my mouth to stifle my sobs.

The wave passes.

I go to the bathroom. In the mirror I notice the dark circles under my eyes. I'm thin. I can't remember ever being so thin. I look into those blue eyes. Is that really me? I recognise myself in those blue eyes. But my body feels foreign.

Owen wakes to the sound of the coffee machine. I hand him a macchiato with two sugars. It's what he drinks in the morning.

"Thanks." he says. He's staring at me. I return his gaze.

"No." I say "Thank you."

He turns away first.

After Owen has finished his coffee he shines his torch in my eyes again and listens to my heart. I wonder if there is any change. I still feel broken.

He asks me my name and I laugh at him without humour.

"I need to do a psyche evaluation." he says.

So I answer his questions. Name, age, prime minister, count to ten, touch my nose. I wonder if I pass. I must do because he goes.

He makes me promise to call him if I need him. I only just stop myself asking him to stay. I never thought I'd need Owen.


	3. Chapter 3

**After the blood – ch3**

_Author note: I intended for this to be just a oneshot but it seems to keep going. I'll have to see where it takes me._

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The flat feels quiet with Owen gone. Even when he was asleep, it felt like noise.

My eyes catch on a branch waving in the wind through my window. Sunlight filters through the leaves. It's pretty. It doesn't seem right. I stand there a long time staring at that branch.

A noise in the flat below. There's pain in my lip and a salty taste in my mouth. I've bitten my bottom lip, while I was looking at that branch, held it between my teeth and bit down hard.

Snap out of it. You've got things to do. He'll be here soon.

I make the bed. Hospital corners, nice and tight.

I clean the coffee machine and Owen's cup. My hand slips and the mug shatters on the sink. I put the fragments in the bin. A small shard of porcelain has embedded in my palm. I push and a small droplet of blood comes out. It hurts so I push it again.

I notice my fingers already have blood on them. The bed of my nails are caked with it. Her blood.

I go to the bathroom and scrub my nails until my cuticles bleed. I wonder if her blood is now inside me, mixing with mine.

"My brain in your body." she said "One complete person."

I rinse my hands quickly and dry them with the towel.

The black suit, black tie and white shirt. That's appropriate. I wonder if it will be the bullet or the pill. Either way, shot through the brain, pow.

I turn on my laptop and pay my electricity bill and then transfer the remaining contents of my account to a secure account for Rhi and the kids. Fifty pounds forty, not much of a nest egg. But Jack can't touch it.

One more job. My clothes from yesterday. Stained with blood. In the bin, tie up the bag. Take out the rubbish. All gone.

I look around the flat. Everything is neat. Everything is done.

I sit on the bed and look at the door. He'll be here soon.

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_Please review if you think I should keep going._


	4. Chapter 4

**After the blood – Ch4**

_Authors Note: Listing to the gritty tones of Blue Gillespie rather than John Barrowman swings Cole Porter. Changes the direction of the writing._

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_It doesn't last, the waiting. I've cracked every knuckle and I feel like screaming. Hate burns through my eyes and I want to pull out a gun and shoot the door. But I don't have a gun. I'm just the office boy.

I'm ready now. I ready for him to take it away. I can't stand the waiting though. Waiting means thinking, and I can see it, I see everything. Was it only last night? Feels like it just happened, feels like I've felt this way forever.

One thought. Could I have saved her?

Was there something I could have done so I wouldn't be looking at this door, waiting.

If they hadn't come back, perhaps Dr Tanisaki could have fixed her. Or was it Dr Tanisaki fixing her that made her say those things, do those things? A little thought creeps into my head. A scary thought. I don't want it. Let it go back. Let it go back inside. Bury it deep. But sitting here waiting it creeps on relentless, tenacious. Little thought don't. Don't.

But the little thought breaks through. I clench my fists and bite my lip and I'm kicking my own shin over and over again but the little thought comes.

"That's not how it was." I say. I hear my voice and it's broken. Sweet Welsh vowels, Lisa said, but those vowels are harsh, gritty.

A memory comes back. The night Suzie died.

Shot herself through the head before he could. Braver than me.

Owen and Tosh bought out those little things they'd been hiding, their dirty little secrets. Time for all to come clean. Time for a fresh start. I wanted to tell them so badly. Let it all out. Fire cracker burning in my belly.

Then Jack looked at me. A small look, but it wrote my false biography. You're the good one. You're the one I can trust. You would never betray me. And I couldn't. Couldn't burn him with my flame.

I went down to see Lisa and told her.

And she said something. And I thought she was just comforting me. But it stuck with me and now I'm wondering. She said, "They aren't strong like you. They can't hide their secrets. Even Susie who showed so much promise. Betrayed herself in the end. They are inferior. You can suppress your emotions. But you still suffer in your skin. You need to feel nothing."

"But I'm betraying them." I said. Tears ran down my face. "Each day it's worse, because each day I've lied to them one day more. Maybe they could help?"

"They can't help. They have no control. They fear me. When you are with them, you must feel nothing. Show no emotions. It's the only way we can be together."

I clung to her then, trying to suppress my fear, trying to hold back my guilt. I clung to her and she whispered, so quietly, I almost didn't hear, "When you feel nothing you will be superior. When you feel nothing you will be the next level of mankind."

Perhaps I didn't want to hear. Perhaps I didn't want to know that Lisa was gone.

I can't sit here any longer. What thoughts may come? I leave the house. It's time for work.


	5. Chapter 5

**After the blood – ch5**

I stand at the door to the tourist office for a long time. I hear the gulls overhead. They were here yesterday. They'll be here tomorrow. I wonder if I will be. Well either way, not here. I wonder how far back. Before Lisa. Who was I then? Valley boy looking for a life.

No time like the. I open the door. My pass still works. Interesting.

I walk through the tourist office, brushing my hand along the desk. I always liked it here. One place to feel safe, normal. I might have ended up working in a place like this if I'd stayed in Wales. It might have been nice.

The corridor seems short. It seemed long last night. Cold hard gun in my hand. Not sure what I was doing, why I was there, except he said I had to. It wasn't just that he wouldn't help. He wanted her dead and he wanted me to do it. Why did he do that? I thought he liked me. Pathetic thoughts, but there was something, not imagined. But he just wanted to cause me pain. Drive the pin under my nail and leaver up.

In the lift, press the button. Ground floor. Electrical and menswear. Going down.

Down to my grave. Being maudlin and melodramatic, but I've got the best excuse. A smile flicks over my lips. It shocks me. But I find myself chuckling. Chuckling as the lift stops. Chuckling as it opens.

And then I remember, when I stepped through that door last night. Remember the pizza boxes. Remember I killed another one. Two peperoni feasts and a tub of coleslaw. Well she forgot the coleslaw, didn't have her head screwed on right, that girl.

Jack's up in the conference room with Gwen. He's staring down at me. Just staring. Arms folded across his chest. And he nods. Nods for what? Glad you came here and saved me the trip? Yes I'm going to shoot you in the head, but I'm in a meeting at the moment and I'll get to you later? Hello and make me a coffee? I nod back. I'm not sure what to do now. Do I have to wait again?

But the place is a mess. I can't leave things like this. So I grab a black plastic bag and start to tidy up.


	6. Chapter 6

**After the blood**

_A/N: Last chapter – sorry it was so long coming._

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_**Chapter 6**

"Ianto." Jack voice pierces me from above. It's time and I suddenly need to pee. So badly that I don't know if I can hold it in.

I pass Gwen at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes filled with pity. And I see her hand on Jack's shoulder as he pushes his gun in my face. "Goodbye" I say but my voice is too quiet and she doesn't hear me.

I count the steps with words; bullet, tablet, gun, pill, dead, forget, bullet, tablet, gun, pill, dead, forget. The top step is dead. I'm ready.

His back is to me and he's looking out over the hub. I look at his back, look at his arrogant pose and my blood boils. I'm shaking with the effort not to push him through the glass and down into the hub below. Broken and shattered, like she was. See his blood break in the water. See his world end.

I stand waiting. Waiting for the axe to fall. Then he turns and it's not ice blue eyes I see but eyes filled with compassion.

"What am I going to do with you?" he says.

That's not my decision. Bullet or pill. Just do it. No more waiting.

He steps towards me and puts his hand on my chin raising my face to look into those blue eyes. "What am I going to do with you?" he says again. And then he kisses me, on my lips, warm and soft. That wasn't one of the options.

I feel my heart clench. Why? A memory returns, last night, his lips on mine. Filling me with fire. Healing fire. Why? Lips release but eyes remain joined. Why?

"If you're going to kill me, don't play with me. Just do it." I hear myself say. I mean to sound resigned but my voice cracks. Death was easier before I left the house. I was ready then.

"Do you want me to kill you?" he asks. The ice is in his eyes now.

"That's not my choice." I say.

"It's your life."

"You kill me or recon me. Either way, I'm not going to know any difference."

"Is life that cheap Ianto?"

But my energy is gone. I close my eyes. Just get on with it Jack. There's no need for conversation.

And finally, there it is. I feel the sharp point of the Webbly against my temple. I've kept that gun clean for him. So it can do its job.

But now it's come, the fear I thought was dead rises up and strangles me. The urge to pee is stronger and I stagger back. The gun follows me and it's against my temple again. "Is this what you want?" he says, voice rough.

"Do it." I say. But I drop to my knees, pulling away again.

The gun pursues. "Do you really want me to, Ianto? Do you want blackness? There's nothing there. Nothing good. It won't bring her back. Do you want this?"

I feel like I'm being crushed by a snake. Coiling around my throat, coiling around my stomach, coiling around my groin. White hot and alive. I'm gasping. "Please." I say, but I don't know what I'm asking for.

"Tell me you want it and I'll do it Ianto."

But I don't. I don't want it. I was ready. Easy and sweet. Sink to oblivion.

"No." I say and the gun pulls back. I'm shaking and I feel those treacherous tears on my cheeks again.

"The pill?" I ask.

"Life's not that simple Ianto." he says.

What else is there? There was no third option. Live and remember. Remember her. Remember the blood.

"Why won't you kill me?" I ask. Because I see. He wouldn't have killed me. Testing me. I want to hate him but I can't. Last night, he wasn't the monster. It was me. I betrayed him. I almost destroyed everything he has. Because this is it for him. Lives here, lives this. This is life for Jack and now I share his curse. This is life for me.

"Three people died yesterday Ianto. I don't want to make it a fourth."

But Torchwood has already taken my life. The bullet and pill are not required.

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_Fin._


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